Teamwork in Marriage

Sometimes in marriage, partners can almost act as though they're playing on opposing teams. Our wills often seem to clash as we vie with our mate for power and control in the relationship. Things can quickly escalate into an ugly power struggle, a battle of the wills. If we take just a moment to think about it: that's crazy and counterproductive behavior! 

So how can we get on the same page with our spouse rather than working against him or her? Here are a just a few practical ideas:

1. Whenever possible, give your mate the benefit of the doubt. 

After all, you did marry them! (I know, what were they thinking, right?) They must surely have some redeeming qualities that initially attracted you to them in the first place. While they will likely not always be right or even "in the right," (and neither will you for that matter) it is very important that they always sense your trust for them as your partner and respect for them as a person. Our spouses may even surprise us by their great ideas and impressive insights.

2. Before getting into a face-off with your spouse, ask yourself what your motives are. 

In other words, are you simply trying to get your way and/or attempting to win a fight? Is there good reason for arguing your point in this particular situation? As humans, we often struggle internally with our selfish motives for doing and saying certain things. Often it is simply a matter of our own foolish pride getting in the way of clear thinking and common sense. Also, remember that we may sadly fall into the trap of winning the present battle but ultimately losing the war! 

3. Listen before you leap!

Before jumping to hasty conclusions and "flying off the handle," take time to try and understand your spouse's perspective. Pay attention not only the content of what they are saying to you, but also to their non-verbals that may give some valuable clues into the deeper meaning behind the words. There are often many layers to a verbal message with strong emotions lurking just beneath the surface. So give your husband or wife your undivided attention and ask questions if your need further clarification.

4. Find ways to make compromises if necessary.

When two strong-willed, bull-headed marital partners have a disagreement, it is very possible that anger and stubbornness can prevent the couple from achieving forward movement towards a mutually-satisfying solution. All relationships require some give and take. This is especially true with marriage. And, there are those times that you are just going to have to agree to disagree, without growing frustrated or becoming resentmentful.

5. Brainstorm together and generate several possible ideas on how to best resolve the issue.

Sit down at the kitchen table, take out a piece of paper (or a laptop or tablet), and come up with a number of possible ideas on how to proceed, no matter how outlandish or "off-the-wall" they may seem at first. While engaging in the initial process of brainstorming, this is not the time to make any judgments or evaluations about the merits or flaws of the various suggestions. In fact, it's often those ideas that seem somewhat humorous at first that actually turn out to possess some real merit in the end. After taking turns to articulate and write down 10-12 specific strategies, now you may revisit each idea so as to weigh out the various pros and cons of each one. The next step is to mutually determine which two or three ideas (or combination thereof) hold the most potential for a satisfactory outcome.

Of course, it is important to always remain patient, respectful, kind, and courteous while trying to work through all of this together as a couple. I'm certainly not implying that it's easy to do, but it is nonetheless possible. Moreover, those more challenging and difficult decisions should always be bathed in much prayer. 

Let us married folk make sure we're playing on the same team as our spouse. Remember, we need each other. So much is riding on it, including our own happiness as individuals and as a married couple as well as the sense of relational safety and emotional security felt by our children. So, PLAY NICE!!!

Note: This article originally appeared on my former blogsite (www.ryanfraser.org).

LI(V)ESTRONG: The Agony of Deceit

This past week, I was stunned by famous cyclist Lance Armstrong's shocking interview on Oprah. After years of vehement denials, he finally came clean about his illicit use of performance enhancement drugs, EPO's, steroids, growth hormones, and other banned substances during each of his seven Tour de France races. A famous cancer survivor and founder of the LIVESTRONG charity, Armstrong has turned out to be yet another celebrity with an ability to "Lie Strong" and deceive many. What a massive disappointment!

It cuts deeply to learn that such an internationally renowned icon and athletic hero has plummeted from his pedestal to the proverbial pigsty. Quite frankly, it's hard not to become cynical about other professional athletes. At the risk of sounding a bit melodramatic, I'm almost left asking: Is anyone out there legit? But, it's also a reminder to me of something critically important, deceit is a treacherous path with painful and far-reaching consequences.

The Bible has much to say regarding the sin of lying and deceit. First of all, concerning God, we learn in Hebrews 6:18 that "it is impossible for God to lie" as it completely flies in the face of his holy nature and pure character. Moreover, of Jesus scripture says, "He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth" (1 Pet. 2:22, ESV).

Jesus revealed in John 8:44 that the devil "was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies." Remember how in the Garden of Eden the serpent deceived Eve into believing that if she ate of the fruit of the forbidden tree she would not surely die? We all know how that turned out!

When Ananias and Sapphira attempted to deceive the apostles and lie to the Holy Spirit regarding their generosity, they literally paid for it with their lives (Acts 5:1-11). From their story, in a very graphic way we learn that "the wages of sin is death" (Rom. 6:23). As Christians, we are exhorted to "not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator" (Col. 3:9). In a list of detestable persons, Revelation 21:8 clearly states "all liars . . . will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death." God's wrath is thus provoked by a chronic lying, cheating, deceitful life-style, one without remorse or repentance.

So why do people lie and seek to deceive others? Three reasons: (1) Pride (to appear better than they really are); (2)Personal Gain (to manipulate others); and (3) Position (to secure political power and status). 

Our fallen human nature makes each of us susceptible to engaging in deceit. But God knows. In fact, we are ultimately only deceiving our selves. And one lie begets another eventually snowballing into something with a life of its own, one that inflicts unimaginable pain and destruction to all in its path. So-called "little white lies" eventually turn into whoppers that irreparably damage relationships destroying trust. Only the truth can set us free. Therefore, honesty is not just the best policy, but the ONLY POLICY!

Note: This article was originally posted on my former blogsite (www.ryanfraser.org).