We All Married Idiots (Interview with Elaine W. Miller)

I am delighted this week to be interviewing author Elaine W. Miller on her new book, We All Married Idiots. You will just love what she has to say! But first, here's a tidbit about Elaine.

Elaine W. Miller is a popular author and speaker known for sharing biblical insights with warmth, enthusiasm, and humor. Elaine and her husband, Dan, have been married 43 years and reside in upstate New York. Together they have led many marriage retreats and counseled numerous hurting couples. They travel to Europe annually as a pastoral care couple to missionaries in Bosnia.

Elaine is the author of three books. Her latest release, We All Married Idiots: Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can is listed on Amazon's Best Selling books on Relationships. She also authored Splashes of Serenity: Bathtime Reflections for Drained Moms and Splashes of Serenity: Bathtime Reflections for Drained Wives.

And now for my rather enjoyable interview with Elaine . . .

Me: Hello Elaine! Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview! Please tell us a little about your own background and marriage experience.

Elaine: Hi Dr. Fraser! Thank you for the interview. 

My marriage has indeed been an experience! The first year I packed Dan's bags three times. Forty-three years later, I shudder thinking that I almost threw away this man I adore. We share three children, ten grandchildren, a miracle-working God, and an amazing life and ministry. My husband is an ordained minister. Together, we have led many marriage retreats and counseled numerous hurting couples. I am not a trained counselor or psychologist. I am a wife with a passion to see marriages thrive.

Me: Who or what inspired you to write this book?

Elaine: We All Married Idiots was inspired by my own marriage as well as numerous couples whose pain-filled marriages seemed too much to bear. God can take a dead marriage and make it alive again. I know, because He did it to mine.

The title We All Married Idiots came years ago when Dan and I were arguing. Throwing my hands up I proclaimed, "I must have been an idiot to marry that idiot!" Bursting out laughing, I realized that proclamation made me an idiot too. Years later I learned the word idiot comes from the Greek meaning common man. Aren't we all common man or common woman? There is only one who is not common man — Jesus Christ. When we look to our spouse to fulfill needs only Christ can fulfill, then we begin thinking our spouses are idiots to tolerate instead of gifts to treasure.

Me: Who is your main target audience? How or why does your writing style connect so well with them?

Elaine: Sad statistics report there is a divorce every 13 seconds in the United States. The divorce rate for couples over age 50 has doubled in the last 20 years. My target audience is anyone married or wanting to be married. We All Married Idiots connects with people because it is short and easy to read. Someone looking for marriage help may not connect with a heavy textbook on marriage.

We All Married Idiots is filled with scripture and God's Word on marriage. After all, marriage was God's idea. Anyone can read my book and understand God's plan for husbands and wives, even if they had never opened a Bible.

Me: Have you been surprised by the overwhelmingly positive response from your readers?

Elaine: Oh my, yes! Married couples are eager to learn what God says about marriage. 

Pastors are using We All Married Idiots for pre-wedding and post-wedding counseling saying if newlyweds understand the 3 things they will never change about marriage and the 10 things they can change, the new marriage is off to a good start.

Singles are reading We All Married Idiots as a guide for all their relationships and their future marriage.

Engaged couples are loving We All Married Idiots as the book prepares them for the reality of life after the honeymoon.

Couples married over 50 years are learning new ways to get along and love their spouse.

Hurting marriages are being healed. One couple finished We All Married Idiots and immediately went to their church, talked to their Pastor,  kneeled together at the altar and prayed the prayer of commitment at the end of the book. 

Me: What are a few of the most important ideas and themes of your book that you want readers to take away from it?

Elaine: The subtitle is Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can. Couples are taught to stop concentrating on the three things they will never change in their marriage, and begin focusing on the ten things they can. Then each will esteem their mate as a gift to treasure, not an idiot to tolerate.

God never says "Examine your spouse." God does say "Examine yourself."  We All Married Idiots encourages husbands and wives to stop pointing their fingers at each other and ask God to point his finger at me and show me where I am failing as a marriage partner.

Certainly, don't turn to someone else thinking a different person will bring you more happiness. I suspect you won't be in a new marriage long before you realize, "Oh no! This person is an idiot too!"

Me: Where did you get your great sense of humor?

Elaine: Can a sense of humor be inherited? My whole family is funny. Plus, God tells us to laugh. It's good medicine.  

Me: Any last words of wisdom for those who are trying to strengthen and improve their marriages?

Elaine: I'll end with my husband's favorite scripture for marriage.

Philippians 2:3-4. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Me: Thanks, Elaine, for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me and my readers and to share these great ideas. It is much appreciated!

Check out Elaine's website and blog at www.SplashesofSerenity.com or connect on facebook, twitter, or pinterest at Elaine W. Miller.

The Little Things

This weekend, I was blessed to be invited to conduct a Marriage Enrichment Seminar. I'm always amazed at how much I actually learn in preparing for such events and through observing and listening to the reactions of various attendees.  My wife, Missy, attended the seminar too, which was wonderful! During the Q & A session that I conducted on Sunday morning, she actually got the audience more relaxed by posing the first question. She's so awesome!

After the seminar was over, Missy asked me if there was anything she could do that would be helpful to our relationship and meaningful to me. My response was rather simple: "I would really appreciate it, and it would mean the world to me, if when I return home in the evenings after work, that you would greet me at the door with a hug and a kiss." I know right -- not a big deal, but nonetheless significant to me. I need that attention and daily re-connection.

I returned the favor by asking her what would be helpful and meaningful to her. Her response was also quite simple: "It would mean a lot to me if you would take some time daily to go walking with me. I need the exercise, but sometimes struggle to find the motivation to go." I followed up by asking her if she would prefer if I instigate us going walking if she would want to be the instigator. She said it would help if I brought it up.

So last night, upon returning home from a long day at work, I entered the house into a nice, clean kitchen (also something I appreciate) to be met by my beautiful wife with her sweet smile, warm embrace, and gentle kiss. I asked, "Hey, would you like for us to go walking around the track at the university sports center tonight?" She responded with an excited "Yes!" So we enjoyed a wonderful walk and some great conversation, without the kids listening in to each and every word or running interference.

I felt very good about it just as did she. And we felt like we had been able to reconnect in a simple, yet meaningful, way. All it took was a little bit of effort and some intentionality. 

It's amazing what a difference the little things can make in a marriage! And guess what? We already talked this morning and made plans to go walking again this evening. To be honest, it's just a good excuse for me to hold her hand! I'm looking forward to getting home this evening to be greeted again at the door by my thoughtful wife.

Note: This article originally appeared on my former blogsite (www.ryanfraser.org).

Teamwork in Marriage

Sometimes in marriage, partners can almost act as though they're playing on opposing teams. Our wills often seem to clash as we vie with our mate for power and control in the relationship. Things can quickly escalate into an ugly power struggle, a battle of the wills. If we take just a moment to think about it: that's crazy and counterproductive behavior! 

So how can we get on the same page with our spouse rather than working against him or her? Here are a just a few practical ideas:

1. Whenever possible, give your mate the benefit of the doubt. 

After all, you did marry them! (I know, what were they thinking, right?) They must surely have some redeeming qualities that initially attracted you to them in the first place. While they will likely not always be right or even "in the right," (and neither will you for that matter) it is very important that they always sense your trust for them as your partner and respect for them as a person. Our spouses may even surprise us by their great ideas and impressive insights.

2. Before getting into a face-off with your spouse, ask yourself what your motives are. 

In other words, are you simply trying to get your way and/or attempting to win a fight? Is there good reason for arguing your point in this particular situation? As humans, we often struggle internally with our selfish motives for doing and saying certain things. Often it is simply a matter of our own foolish pride getting in the way of clear thinking and common sense. Also, remember that we may sadly fall into the trap of winning the present battle but ultimately losing the war! 

3. Listen before you leap!

Before jumping to hasty conclusions and "flying off the handle," take time to try and understand your spouse's perspective. Pay attention not only the content of what they are saying to you, but also to their non-verbals that may give some valuable clues into the deeper meaning behind the words. There are often many layers to a verbal message with strong emotions lurking just beneath the surface. So give your husband or wife your undivided attention and ask questions if your need further clarification.

4. Find ways to make compromises if necessary.

When two strong-willed, bull-headed marital partners have a disagreement, it is very possible that anger and stubbornness can prevent the couple from achieving forward movement towards a mutually-satisfying solution. All relationships require some give and take. This is especially true with marriage. And, there are those times that you are just going to have to agree to disagree, without growing frustrated or becoming resentmentful.

5. Brainstorm together and generate several possible ideas on how to best resolve the issue.

Sit down at the kitchen table, take out a piece of paper (or a laptop or tablet), and come up with a number of possible ideas on how to proceed, no matter how outlandish or "off-the-wall" they may seem at first. While engaging in the initial process of brainstorming, this is not the time to make any judgments or evaluations about the merits or flaws of the various suggestions. In fact, it's often those ideas that seem somewhat humorous at first that actually turn out to possess some real merit in the end. After taking turns to articulate and write down 10-12 specific strategies, now you may revisit each idea so as to weigh out the various pros and cons of each one. The next step is to mutually determine which two or three ideas (or combination thereof) hold the most potential for a satisfactory outcome.

Of course, it is important to always remain patient, respectful, kind, and courteous while trying to work through all of this together as a couple. I'm certainly not implying that it's easy to do, but it is nonetheless possible. Moreover, those more challenging and difficult decisions should always be bathed in much prayer. 

Let us married folk make sure we're playing on the same team as our spouse. Remember, we need each other. So much is riding on it, including our own happiness as individuals and as a married couple as well as the sense of relational safety and emotional security felt by our children. So, PLAY NICE!!!

Note: This article originally appeared on my former blogsite (www.ryanfraser.org).

Marriage Matters

Next weekend (February 23-24), I am scheduled to conduct a Marriage Enrichment Seminar at the Henderson Church of Christ. The event will include five different sessions on pertinent topics, each relating to the basic question of how we can go about strengthening our marriages. I believe it's going to be an uplifting and enjoyable time for all participants. By the way, the church is providing this seminar at no cost to those who wish to attend.

Okay, so it seems like the theme of "relationships" has been on my mind a lot lately. Come to think of it, God is all about relationships! In fact, relationality is fundamental to the Trinity's intrinsic way of being. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit share with one another in a depth of intimacy simply incomprehensible to our limited human understanding. That being said, marriage clearly matters deeply to God. The Bible testifies to this reality in numerous passages including, but not limited to, the following: Gen 2:24-25; Deut 24:5; Prov 12:4; Isa 62:5; Matt 19:4-6; Mark 10:12; Rom 7:2; 1 Cor 7:2-5, 39; Eph 5:22-33; 1 Tim 5:14; and Heb 13:4.

A powerful and pervasive metaphor in Scripture for God's special covenantal relationship with Israel and, later, Christ's sacred and redemptive relationship with the church is that of marital union. Human marriage is thus intended to be a reflection of the Godhead's own familial intimacy and interdependency. 

It's sad to say that in our worldly society there are multiple forces militating against the divine institution of marriage. Among these formidable foes are such things as: (1) selfishness, (2) secularism, (3) social media, (4) sexual temptation, and (5) stressors. In our daily grind, we can all-too-easily be distracted from the priority of taking enough time and energy to nurture and grow our marital bonds. Let's face it, all good marriages involve hard work! Meaningful and mutually fulfilling relationships don't just somehow happen. They require significant effort, don't they? And they are only made possible when deep commitment is present!

Yesterday, many in America celebrated Valentine's Day, another one of those overly commercialized annual events. While I certainly don't intend to knock big days like that, we must recognize that they can't possibly make up for a glaring deficiency of daily kindnesses and small, consistent acts of love demonstrated towards and received from our spouses. It's the little things that matter most in the long run. They have a cumulative effect. And, what's more, different deeds and words communicate different things to different people. For instance, I'm not really big on greeting cards, but I know that they mean a lot to my wife. So guess what? I'm going to make the effort to buy her a card. On the other hand, she knows that I appreciate a good, home-cooked meal from time to time, so she is happy to oblige. (And, man, can she ever cook!)

Each of us is unique when it comes to our preferences, desires, and needs as related to feeling appreciated and loved. One size (or style) doesn't fit all. We all crave different things from our mates. Therefore, it is incumbent upon each of us as husbands and wives to figure out what it is that communicates to our spouse that we love them, appreciate them, and treasure them.

After almost 25 years of "marital bliss" I must confess: I'm still learning how to meet my wife's physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and--yes--sexual needs. And believe me when I say that I still have quite a ways to go on all fronts. But that's the whole point of growing together in our "one-fleshness" as a couple. It's supposed to be a challenging and fulfilling adventure. Hear me loud and clear when I say that it is absolutely worth it!

Let's try to get more creative and much more intentional as we tune in to our spouses' needs and strive to love them with all our heart. I believe that's what God intends for us to do. That's what Christ does for the church, his bride!

Note: This article originally appeared on my former website blog (www.ryanfraser.org).

My First Blog Article

Well, greetings kind readers. I wish to extend a warm welcome to you as you check out my brand new blog. Thanks so much for taking the time and effort to do so. I recognize how busy you are and how many other voices out there are vying for your attention. This is hopefully the start of something worthwhile for both you and me. Please know I am humbled and honored to have your initial interest. It is my heartfelt prayer that I will earn your ongoing subscription to my blog.

The concept of blogging is actually quite new to me, so I am pretty nervous about it to be completely honest with you! I have been thinking for some time now about what my unique contribution might be through this online platform or medium for sharing concepts and ideas. On a personal level, it is important to me that I remain true to myself in this novel and exciting endeavor. What would be the point of writing about things that hold little importance in my own life? That would certainly constitute a waste a time and energy. While there are many specific types of conversations I could initiate, there are no doubt certain topics that are more worthy of my attention and your consideration than others. So what are the types of things that I am truly passionate about?

My particular interests lie in areas of Christian living, pastoral theology, practical biblical studies, ministry concerns, pastoral care and counseling, and marriage and family issues. As a preacher, counseling professor, pastoral counselor, husband and father, my interest undoubtedly gravitates to certain related areas. By the way, I also have a great appreciation for the outdoors and especially hiking and camping, which is something I am blessed to do on a regular basis with a number of great male, Christian friends.

So rather than limiting myself in this blog to only one or two topical areas or fields, I want to allow myself the luxury of having sufficient latitude to draw from a variety of thematic interests. However, at the heart of my musings will generally be ideas connected in some tangible way to God's heart and to matters of Christian faith, ministry, and service. As someone who was raised on the mission field in South Africa and who has spent the majority of his adult life in fulltime ministry, I have a deeply ingrained pastoral identity. It is unquestionably a big part of who I am. I find great fulfillment in helping people discover spiritual meaning in their lives and develop (or hone) skills for better serving their fellow human beings in the name of Jesus Christ.

I hope you will find something of spiritual and practical value in my ongoing blog entries that resonates with your own areas of interest, passion, and personal concern. At the bare minimum, I recognize the need for my offerings to remain relevant to our collective contemporary experiences as we strive to live out our faith in a post-modern world, one that is antithetical to Christian values. It is my prayer that you will choose to join me on this great adventure as a fellow sojourner. I also look forward to receiving your honest feedback and personal insights along the way as we strive to sharpen one another.

Let's commit to grow together in knowledge, compassion, and faithful dedication to Christ. Thanks for joining me for this important dialogue. I look very forward to our future conversations together!

Ryan N. Fraser, Ph.D.

Note: This article was originally posted on my former blogsite (www.ryanfraser.org).