Teamwork in Marriage

Sometimes in marriage, partners can almost act as though they're playing on opposing teams. Our wills often seem to clash as we vie with our mate for power and control in the relationship. Things can quickly escalate into an ugly power struggle, a battle of the wills. If we take just a moment to think about it: that's crazy and counterproductive behavior! 

So how can we get on the same page with our spouse rather than working against him or her? Here are a just a few practical ideas:

1. Whenever possible, give your mate the benefit of the doubt. 

After all, you did marry them! (I know, what were they thinking, right?) They must surely have some redeeming qualities that initially attracted you to them in the first place. While they will likely not always be right or even "in the right," (and neither will you for that matter) it is very important that they always sense your trust for them as your partner and respect for them as a person. Our spouses may even surprise us by their great ideas and impressive insights.

2. Before getting into a face-off with your spouse, ask yourself what your motives are. 

In other words, are you simply trying to get your way and/or attempting to win a fight? Is there good reason for arguing your point in this particular situation? As humans, we often struggle internally with our selfish motives for doing and saying certain things. Often it is simply a matter of our own foolish pride getting in the way of clear thinking and common sense. Also, remember that we may sadly fall into the trap of winning the present battle but ultimately losing the war! 

3. Listen before you leap!

Before jumping to hasty conclusions and "flying off the handle," take time to try and understand your spouse's perspective. Pay attention not only the content of what they are saying to you, but also to their non-verbals that may give some valuable clues into the deeper meaning behind the words. There are often many layers to a verbal message with strong emotions lurking just beneath the surface. So give your husband or wife your undivided attention and ask questions if your need further clarification.

4. Find ways to make compromises if necessary.

When two strong-willed, bull-headed marital partners have a disagreement, it is very possible that anger and stubbornness can prevent the couple from achieving forward movement towards a mutually-satisfying solution. All relationships require some give and take. This is especially true with marriage. And, there are those times that you are just going to have to agree to disagree, without growing frustrated or becoming resentmentful.

5. Brainstorm together and generate several possible ideas on how to best resolve the issue.

Sit down at the kitchen table, take out a piece of paper (or a laptop or tablet), and come up with a number of possible ideas on how to proceed, no matter how outlandish or "off-the-wall" they may seem at first. While engaging in the initial process of brainstorming, this is not the time to make any judgments or evaluations about the merits or flaws of the various suggestions. In fact, it's often those ideas that seem somewhat humorous at first that actually turn out to possess some real merit in the end. After taking turns to articulate and write down 10-12 specific strategies, now you may revisit each idea so as to weigh out the various pros and cons of each one. The next step is to mutually determine which two or three ideas (or combination thereof) hold the most potential for a satisfactory outcome.

Of course, it is important to always remain patient, respectful, kind, and courteous while trying to work through all of this together as a couple. I'm certainly not implying that it's easy to do, but it is nonetheless possible. Moreover, those more challenging and difficult decisions should always be bathed in much prayer. 

Let us married folk make sure we're playing on the same team as our spouse. Remember, we need each other. So much is riding on it, including our own happiness as individuals and as a married couple as well as the sense of relational safety and emotional security felt by our children. So, PLAY NICE!!!

Note: This article originally appeared on my former blogsite (www.ryanfraser.org).