“You
ought to be ashamed of yourself!” This was a saying I heard more than once
during my childhood. And you know what? My parents were generally right. My
brother’s and my behavior was often inappropriate—even shameful—and we were deserving
of reprimand and discipline. Our consciences needed to be sensitized.
These
days, we live in a society that has lost its ability to blush at sin. Now that’s indeed a
shame!
In
the past few years, it has been a popular tendency among social psychologists
to posit shame as always being unhealthy and counter-productive. Researchers
like Brené Brown have polarized guilt and shame making them seem mutually
exclusive. To summarize her perspective, she basically believes guilt is
healthy and adaptive, while shame is always unhealthy and maladaptive. In other
words, guilt = good, but shame = bad.
I
admit there are parts of Brown’s novel point of view that are appealing, insightful,
and helpful. However, as a whole I believe it is over-simplistic and
one-dimensional.
Her
argument basically goes like this: Guilt is helpful because it holds something
we’ve done or failed to do up against our values, thus keeping us accountable.
Shame, on the other hand, is the trap of believing we are fundamentally flawed
and therefore unworthy of love, acceptance, and meaningful connection.
In
this narrow paradigm, shame is a focus on self, while guilt is a focus on
behavior. Shame results in us arriving at the negative and self-damaging conclusion:
“I am bad. I am a mistake.” Whereas guilt acknowledges, “I did something bad. I
made a mistake,” but ultimately motivates us to right the wrong.
Brown
contends shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,
bullying, suicide, and eating disorders. And in some ways she’s correct.
At first glance, Brown’s
perspective is rather interesting and insightful. But if we investigate it a
bit deeper, I believe we will find it’s fundamentally flawed. What she fails to
recognize is the reality that more than one category of shame exists. It’s
unwise to lump them all together and view them as if they’re all the same
thing. They’re not!
To discover emotional and
spiritual freedom, we need to understand the difference between healthy and
unhealthy shame.
If we’re feeling inner
distress and embarrassment because of something irresponsible we did that hurt
someone, this is the healthy version of shame. The painful (perhaps queasy)
feeling is telling us that something contradicted our value system. It’s an
internal alarm system signaling to us we’re in the wrong. Therefore, in order
to regain our sense of personal and relational well-being, we need to make
amends and rectify the situation.
By way of contrast,
unhealthy shame occurs when we internalize other people or society’s standards
and expectations, and we feel obligated to maintain the popular or politically
correct status quo. It also occurs when we allow ourselves to be defined by a
weakness or something over which we have no control, including victimhood or
abuse from childhood.
Perfectionism on our part
and the inability to live up to our own unrealistic standards may also lead to
unhealthy shame. Furthermore, sometimes others say or do things to
intentionally hurt us or shame us into submission.
While excessive shame is
at the root of much anxiety and depression, a lack of shame is frequently the
basis of immoral and unethical behavior.
Shame is the first emotion
mentioned in the Bible when Adam and Eve felt it for disobedience to God (Gen.
3:1-12). After Cain murdered his brother Abel, Cain’s lack of remorse and
absence of shame posed a significant problem (Gen. 4:3-12). The men of Sodom
and Gomorrah lacked shame when they sought to sodomize the disguised male
angelic visitors who visited Lot (Gen. 19:1-11).
Jacob shamefully plotted
to steal Esau’s birthright (Gen. 25:27-34) and then later conspired with
Rebekah, his mother, to also rob Esau of the firstborn’s blessing (Gen. 27). Joseph’s
brothers initially lacked shame for their grievous sin against him and their
father when they sold him into slavery and deceived their father into believing
his favorite son had been ripped apart by wild animals (Gen. 37). About 22
years later, they experienced shame when confronted by their brother again in
Egypt, now the prime minister (Gen. 45).
Having excessive shame is better than lacking it altogether. Such individuals behave in
socio-pathological ways. They’re manipulative, arrogant, and sadistic as they take
pleasure in exploiting and hurting others. Their consciences are seared. Their
only ambition is material gain, power, and prestige. They display no compassion
for those they use and abuse.
Healthy
shame can serve to safeguard us from pursuing things that threaten our social
identity and relationships. It makes us appropriately care about what others
think of us, and thus helps us weigh out the relational consequences of our actions.
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